Bullying vs banter: How can you tell when a joke goes too far?

Our research shows that there is a fine and subjective line between banter and bullying, and where this line sits can depend on the circumstances, the people involved, those witnessing the behaviour and the topic.

As we mark Anti-Bullying Week from 16 – 20 November 2026, understanding the difference is important in helping children recognise inappropriate behaviour, establish boundaries and know when to speak up.

What is the difference between bullying and banter?

Bullying is generally defined as aggressive behaviour that is intended to cause harm, is repeated and involves a power imbalance. Banter, by contrast, is more likely to involve joking or teasing between people who share an understanding of what is acceptable.

However, something that one person considers harmless joking may be upsetting or offensive to someone else. There are several factors that can help distinguish between the two.

Intent: Was the behaviour intended as fun, or was there an intention to cause harm? An intention to have fun is more likely to indicate banter, whereas an intention to hurt someone may suggest bullying. However, intent can be difficult to judge because it is internal to the person engaging in the behaviour.

The recipient's reaction: How did the person on the receiving end feel? If they were upset, the behaviour may be more likely to have crossed into bullying, whereas shared laughter may suggest banter. It is important not to assume that someone is comfortable with a joke simply because they don't challenge it.

The topic: Was the joke about something sensitive or potentially offensive? Banter tends to be more transient and in the moment, whereas repeatedly targeting a sensitive subject may indicate that the behaviour has crossed a line.

Repetition: How often does it happen? If the behaviour is repeated frequently, the recipient may begin to question whether it really is a joke or stop finding it funny. Repetition can be an important indicator of bullying.

Social context: Who is involved? Joking between a trusted group of friends who share an understanding of what is acceptable is more likely to be perceived as banter. The same behaviour between people who know each other less well may be received differently.

Public or private behaviour: Where does it happen, and who can see it? Banter is generally better received within a small group of close friends. When behaviour is shared publicly, particularly in front of a large audience, there may be additional concerns about how information could be used by others and the potential for reputational damage.

Audience size: How many people are witnessing the behaviour? The size of the audience can influence how a joke is received and whether the person on the receiving end feels comfortable.

Emoji use: In online conversations, emojis can help signal that something is intended as banter. However, they can also be used to mask behaviour or downplay its significance. Adding a laughing emoji, for example, does not automatically make a hurtful comment harmless.

No single factor will necessarily determine whether something is banter or bullying. It is important to consider the wider circumstances and how the behaviour is experienced by the people involved.

Does saying 'I was only joking' make it OK?

One of the difficulties in distinguishing bullying from banter is that we cannot always know what someone intended.

The phrase 'I was only joking' might genuinely reflect someone's intention, but it can also be used to downplay the significance of their behaviour or mask behaviour that could be considered bullying.

Even well-intentioned banter can miss the mark. Someone may intend to make a joke, but the person receiving it may find it offensive or upsetting.

When this happens, it is important to acknowledge the mistake, apologise and avoid repeating the behaviour.

How has social media changed the way children experience bullying?

Bullying can take many forms, and there is ongoing debate about the extent to which online bullying is an extension of what happens offline.

For example, something may happen between children at school and then continue online after the school day has ended. Equally, behaviour that starts on social media or in a group chat may carry over into the school environment.

Online bullying presents some additional challenges. Unlike face-to-face incidents at school, it has the potential to happen at any time of the day or night. Depending on the platform and the type of behaviour, the person experiencing it may not know who is behind the bullying. It may also be visible to a much wider audience.

Changes such as the social media ban and restrictions on mobile phones in schools may also have implications for how children experience and report bullying. Some children may be less likely to speak out if they are worried about losing access to their devices or being negatively perceived because they were using technology.

This makes it important that conversations about bullying recognise both online and offline experiences, rather than treating them as entirely separate issues.

How can parents and teachers recognise if a child is being bullied?

Children do not always disclose their experiences of bullying, which can make it difficult for parents and teachers to know when something is happening.

Changes in a child's behaviour may be worth paying attention to, particularly if they seem different from their usual behaviour. However, there is no single sign that will necessarily indicate bullying.

Creating an environment where children feel able to talk openly about their experiences is important. They need to know that they will be listened to and supported if they raise concerns, rather than feeling that they will be blamed or that their experiences will be dismissed as harmless joking.

Organisations including the Anti-Bullying Alliance and Kidscape provide further guidance for parents and schools on recognising and responding to bullying.

What should you do if banter is making someone uncomfortable?

If there are concerns that behaviour has crossed the line, it is important to talk to the people involved and try to understand the full story.

Context matters particularly when it comes to banter. Behaviour that might seem inappropriate to someone witnessing it may be understood differently by the people involved, particularly if they share an understanding of what is acceptable within their friendship group.

That does not mean concerns should be dismissed. It means taking the time to understand what has happened, how those involved feel about it and whether everyone shares the same understanding of the joke.

Support and reassurance should be provided where appropriate. If someone has been upset by behaviour that was intended as banter, acknowledging their feelings and apologising can help. The important thing is that the behaviour is not repeated once it is clear that it has caused discomfort.

How can schools help prevent banter from becoming bullying?

Schools have an important role to play in helping pupils understand the boundaries between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour.

Encouraging children to have conversations about what they consider acceptable banter, and where their individual boundaries lie, can help build a shared understanding. It is also important that pupils recognise that those boundaries may differ between people.

Children should be encouraged to recognise when a joke has not been received as intended, apologise and avoid repeating the behaviour. This helps reinforce the idea that the impact of a joke matters, even when there was no intention to cause harm.

One practical way to support these conversations is to give pupils tools to think through different situations. Our decision tree is designed to help children consider whether behaviour represents positive banter, inappropriate banter or bullying-type behaviour.

Ultimately, the aim isn't to stop children joking with one another. Banter can be a positive part of friendships, but it needs to be something everyone involved is comfortable with.

Helping children understand boundaries, recognise when a joke has gone too far and respond appropriately can help ensure that banter remains enjoyable rather than becoming harmful.

Find out more about our research and access guidance and resources on the banter vs bullying research website.